You Might Be A Red Elvises Fan If...
Started by Kayt

...you buy things ONLY because they're (a) red (b) Russian-related or (c) both.
...you use phrases from their songs in everyday conversation.
...your closet looks like it's on fire because it's so full of red clothing.
...you named your goldfish after band members (and of course used red gravel in your fish tank).
...you named your cats Harriet and Suzanna, and you aren't surprised when Suzanna gets impatient and leaves the room every time the phone rings, and Harriet turns out to be male.
...you have conversations with complete strangers in elevators about Red Elvises.
...you carry around a supply of cards with the list of show dates on the back to give people.
...you need a new computer because your current one is too full of digital photos of Red Elvises (hint: buy a CD or DVD burner and some blank CDs or DVDs for much higher storage volume!).
...you decide to learn Russian and walk around the house muttering words no one else understands while discovering the joys of swearing in another language!
...you downloaded MP3 files of Red Elvises songs for use in computer games. ...you plan family vacations around where and when the band is playing ("Hey, sweetie, who do we know in Florida?").
...you remember certain pictures of the guys that you've seen and start grinning like an idiot at odd times during the day.
...you lose sleep writing silly poems about Elvis going to a disco. [Ed. note: that's a reference to a recent discussion on the discussion list. I know there's a sarcastic comment in the making in here somewhere...]
...you go into shoe stores and only pay attention to the red shoes and/or unusually cool shoes.
...your co-workers and/or friends start giving you red items that they otherwise would have given to Goodwill.
...you use lines from "Six String Samurai" in everyday conversation (i.e. "Nice shoes!").
...you compare all other bands to Red Elvises and none of the others are as talented, nice, or fun as the Elvises..
...you've traveled more than 300 miles just to see Red Elvises.
...you've never missed a Rusty's show (Santa Monica, CA)... and you live in Cleveland!
...your whole family moved to LA to support your Red habit. (Diane Christopher)
...you think that Ronald McDonald copied Oleg's hairstyle. (Zach)
...if every pillow in the house has red hair dye sweated on to it. (Judy Coover)
...you can sing anything that's in Russian...but you don't speak Russian. (Jibbs)
...one of your requirements for a boyfriend is that he likes the Red Elvises (Jibbs)
...you persuade friends who videotape their concerts to make you copies.(Ealasaid)
...you taped the Beverly Hills 90210 marathon beach party but fast-forwarded through all the episodes to just watch the Elvises play during the breaks. (Ealasaid)
...you've converted a dozen or more of your friends to Red Elvises fandom. (Ealasaid)
...if you start to type in red. (Janet Weiss)
...you decide you're doing your thesis on the band. (If anyone has anything at least pseudoscholarly, please send it my way!) (Anne)
...you refuse to go to bed until you find the online video footage from the RE Voice of America segment. (Anne)
...you whine that the band is skipping your city (not that I blame them... Albuquerque. Ew.) this time around and then realize that their shows in a place you're considering for graduate school coincide with Spring Break. (Anne)
... if they are cited in your thesis. (Rachel)
... when you skip work to watch a Red Elvises video, then go into work after hours to use the DSL to try to find Red Elvises bootlegs and make photocoies of Red Elvises pics to give to friends. (Kenneth)
... when you skip out of your band practice early to join red chat on tuesdays (Kenneth)
...upon the first time viewing "Six String Samurai," your friends say "Hey, I've heard this song before..." just because you play the albums incessently. (Andy)
-You're in the theatre production business, and make sure you carry your red mag-lite for luck during shows. (Andy)
-You get a radio show at school with the cover "World Music" just so you can play Russian Bellydance. (Andy)
...If you call your friends "suger booger." (RedElvirina)
...when you keep checking the schedule for more shows in your area. (RedElvirina)
... you just had angioplasty the week before the show, wake up with chest pains the morning of the show and decide not to see the Dr cause you might miss the show. (Jon)
...even your dental floss is red,( Johnson & Johnson cinnamon flavor) and you floss more often because of that! (Jackdaw)
...you've got the tattoos. (Sarah) ...you've been searching for red clothes and cool shoes with every waking hour.
...if you work at a national Labs in the USA and have downloaded ALL the RED ELVISES songs on to your desk computer, your Scanning Electron Microscope computer and every other common user computer in your division. (The Irish Elvis)
...if you have a shrine to the Red Elvises with their postcards, pencils, show ticket stubs, CD's, some red beads and a candle on top of your stereo. (Jane Gahlman)
...You think that the Red Square in Moscow is named so honour Red Elvises. (Margarita Potempkina)
...You actually belly danced on stage at a show and went out of your way for hugs from the band! (Ajax)
...You have the band autograph your leopard print shoes. (Amy from Clearwater, FL)
...if you've enlisted in the Red Army (PAJ)
...you had your red stratocaster signed by Igor and Oleg
...you are the only one in your office who owns Six-String Samurai, you wonder about why he carries a rare Martin electric, and you know what a Balalaika is. (Number 6).
...if you spent quality time with them after the show is over and didn't leave till morning. (Marguerite Curtis)
...Whenever somebody says the word "cry" you can't help but belt out "CRY YI YIY I YIE!" (Josh White, Tucson, AZ)
...You've seen the Elvises 6 times this year and don't even live in California. (Josh White)
...You have posted more myspace bulletins then Tom, and they all are announcing Red Elvises shows. (Josh White)
...Your friends send you emails that they know the Elvises are coming and to stop posting myspace bulletins. (Josh White)
...You have a red bumper sticker on your car, desk, computer, laptop, front door, refrigerator, scooter, and lunch box. (Josh White)
...When you see a triangle, the color red, or a tiger print suit you think, ahhhhhhh! (Josh White)
...You wake up in the morning and head to myspace thinking "I wonder if I can find some new Red Elvises fans to friend?" (Kayt)
...You spend hours perusing the tour schedule and figuring out when you can get off work and what shows you can possibily get yourself to, opening up multiple browser windows to visit mapquest, orbitz, expedia and various other travel sites (hotels.com, avis, hertz, etc.) to plan major travel to see Red Elvises in other cities. You become an expert on getting cheap airfare and then nearly go insane in the summer when airfares stay stubbornly high and gas prices are up, waiting in vain for the fares to come down. When they don't, you book flights anyway. (True story... - Kayt)
... You make your dog a little doggy Red Elvises t-shirt (Kayt) ... You keep loving the music and supporting the people involved, even when beloved band members leave the band.

Red Symptoms in High School

You’ve spent hours trying to convince your high school history teacher that communism is where it is at and consistently beg for tales of depressing cowboy history.
Your sci. teacher is sick of hearing about how a rocket program should be instated in the curriculum.
The P.E. coach made you run extra laps because you insisted that the girls class should be learning belly dancing.
The music teacher has become aggressive toward you because you spend hours trying to play disco music on the trumpet.
You talked to the ladies in the office and seriously tried to make a movement to eliminate the required English classes and switch them for Russian classes.
You have a bill of over $658 in woodshop for all the materials you used to make a bass bigger than Olegs.
You contacted the Red Elvises in hopes of having them play your high school prom, but the student body voted against you.
Your first car ever was green, but you had to go to the DMV and have the color changed to red from all the big “kick ass rockenroll from Siberia” stickers that cover every inch of it.
You’ve convinced your health teacher to use an official Red Elvises Condom for the demonstration next week!
You went to the show last night and didnt have a drop to drink, yet you still feel hung over!
--(Ghandi!)

Editor's Note: Have your own list of symptoms? Send 'em our way!