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DERMO! |
This was an article originally written in 2001, but the book is still very much available, and since some of the current fans had not yet become Red Elvises fans in 2001, I thought it might be fun to update and re-run this. Some of you have had a great summer; some of you have probably been feeling stressed with school starting back and figuring out what to do with your Labor Day holiday off work, figuring out exactly when Fall begins or approximately when Igor and Oleg will be back in the U.S. and all that sort of thing. The world's best stress-buster is laughter, so why not learn a little Russian, naughty though it may be, at the same time? See what you think about this thin but very informative and hilarious little book by Russian writer Edward Topol called Dermo! |
In the pursuit of learning a language other than the one you grew up speaking, there are language courses, computer software, tapes and books, all perfectly equipped to teach proper schoolbook versions of languages. Who among us "typical" Americans hasn’t survived a school language course remembering only how to ask where the library is in French, for example, where the bus is in German and other such phrases that are as necessary as bicycles are for fish? Should you ever find yourself in either France or Germany most of those vital phrases will be entirely useless. I mean, really…here’s a scenario: tourists, with limited linguistic skills, running madly around France looking not for the Louvre or the Arc de Triomphe or the Eiffel Tower but for a library? Better in this day and age to learn the French phrase for "Where is the Internet cafe?" (Ou est la[?] cafe du Internet?? - I'm betting that's probably not correct so don't use it without checking your big book of handy foreign phrases). And will you really care where the bus is, in any country where you may travel? I think there must be some study someplace on the subject of which mode of public transportation is used most often by tourists and taxis probably top that list, except possibly for the sightseeing double decker buses in England. Besides, if you can’t see the bus coming... well, who's the say the person next to you in that German bus stop is going to know its whereabouts any better than you do? What are they, psychic? You might do better checking the Magic 8 Ball elsewhere in this issue.
So, how to get beyond the polite, archaic schoolbook phrases and learn the "real" language, the "guts" of it, the words and phrases that are actually used by real people every day on the streets of Russia?
Dermo! Its very title is a Russian "four letter" word, the sort of thing you might say if you were walking across a room and stubbed your toe on a piece of furniture, or if you’ve left the grocery store after an hour of shopping and just realized you forgot the eggs. Need more clues? Hmm, the English equivalent has four letters, refers to something brown with an unpleasant smell and… Okay, you got it!
This book is not the least bit subtle or shy, it will tell you everything you want to know and some things you probably are better off not knowing, about Russian casual conversation, swearing, words for sex, body parts, Russian men and women and even the nature of business in Russia. Subtitled The Real Russian Tolstoy Never Used, it promises and delivers exactly that, and is also a very funny and rollicking read.
The chapter names alone will thrill and delight you, and I hope the author, if he ever finds out I listed the chapter names here, will forgive me, but it’s great promotion for the book, I’m sure you’ll agree:
- The Most Important Word in the Russian Language
- Ellochka the Cannibal’s All-purpose Word List, or Exclamations for All Occasions
- Curses, Oaths, Insults, and other Basic Swearing
- All About Russian Men
- A Bit About Russian Women
- Lovemaking, Russian Style
- The New Russians and Their Ever-Expanding Business Lexicon
- Greetings and Other Important Expressions for Everyday Use
- Essential Body Parts
- A Tour Through the Three Tiers of Russian Profanity
Sprinkled liberally throughout, like really heavy toppings on a pizza, are lists of words and phrases in the Cyrillic alphabet and English phonetic spellings with their definitions, and with explanations where needed, so there is no excuse, other than the effort of rolling the spoiled American tongue around all those vowels and consonants, to not master at least a few of the hundreds of phrases in this book. There are folklore poems and stories, and even cartoon-like drawings with Russian word balloons, to provide insight and amusement. And to make it the essential language guide, Dermo! also includes an "additional alphabetical glossary of real Russian, which is far from complete" and "a brief glossary of essential English terms accompanied by Russian translations" in the back. But even if learning some Russian isn’t your primary goal, reading this book will give you a look into Russian culture and ways of thinking.
Apparently, Russians swear a lot. Constantly and in every conversation, according to Dermo! The main exception seems to be in business situations, when in the presence of your boss. And even then, if you have subordinates, you can swear at them. In Chapter one, we learn that the most important word in the Russian language is "mat," Russian for cursing, and it derived from the word for mother (in English, since I can’t type in Cyrillic: matb – pronounced "mat"). The author writes that this word should be mastered before even learning to say spasibo (thank you) or vodka. Going by the exhaustive list of phrases containing this word, it doesn’t appear to often be used to express affection for one’s mother, to say the least, but more in the spirit of those in the very best trailer parks of America when telling someone to do something really vile to a female parent. And you wouldn’t believe the variety of ways this act can be suggested! There is even one which means "**** your mother through seven gates while whistling!" It is also noted in Chapter One that one Russian dictionary published during the Soviet period states that the concept of using the word "matb" in swearing is so vulgar that "there is no way it could have originated in a Slavic environment" but must have entered the Russian language during the Tartar-Mongol invasion of the Middle Ages. Yeah, blame it on the Tartar-Mongols! But either way, the word is used extensively in today’s Russian collection of deadly insults and vile curses.
For you more literary types, in Chapter Two there is an explanation of how the novel "The Twelve Chairs," by Ilya Ilf and Evgeny Petrov, contributed to the Russian idiom of the day some words and phrases such as "Poedem na izvozchike" (Let’s go in a hired carriage) and many others which are today considered cutely quaint. "The Twelve Chairs" was also made into a Mel Brooks film in the 1960’s, but that’s not mentioned in the book, just something I, a Mel Brooks aficionado, happen to know. I include this Public Service Announcement only if you’re curious enough to want to rent the movie, rather than learn enough Russian to track down and read the book. Chapter Three continues the language lessons and contains a plethora of insults and other nasty things to say to people on a daily basis. Russian is a truly amazing language considering it includes so many ways to tell someone he or she is the vilest scum on the face of the earth!
Chapter Four promises to tell all about Russian men, and I can almost hear the stampede as young female Red Elvises fans rush to their bookstores searching for Dermo! Basically, what this chapter tells us is that men in Russia fall into two categories, "real men" and those who are "not men at all." A "real man" here meaning one who is true to his word, a gentleman in polite society and so on. So you don’t care so much about the "gentleman" part, but you do like a man who is true to his word and treats you well? That’s all right – there are words and phrases bursting out of this chapter to describe every type of man you can imagine, from the best to the lowest in the swamp. So memorize and either praise or insult your boyfriend at will.
The funniest thing about Chapter Five, "A Bit about Russian Women," is how the words and phrases describing women start out on such an angelic scale, beautiful, delicious, precious, sweetheart, etc., and devolve almost before you realize you’ve descended into words describing the less pristine types of females, including my personal favorite and one of the first six or so words of Russian I ever learned, blyad’ (pronounced "BLEE-yaht"), which means whore. Oleg, by the way, says that is a very filthy word and should not be used often, so you've heard that from an excellent source!
We learn from Dermo! in Chapter Six that there is no equivalent Russian phrase for the English one, "to make love." Does this mean that Russians don’t have sex? Oh come on, what do you think? Of course they do, they just (presumably) don’t talk about it as freely as Americans do, or at least not in terms of "making love." The words for it, most of which have some lewd or lascivious connotation at best, are mostly unacceptable in "polite" company. Of course, the feeling I get from this book is that a bunch of men sitting around drinking and talking about women is not "polite company" by any means, so there you go. Apparently it is discussed in a no frills, down and dirty, lewd, crude and socially unacceptable sex talk way, much like in locker rooms and your basic bars all across America. But either way, if you’re the type who enjoys talking during the act, and even giving orders or directions, this chapter is a virtual cornucopia of education for you!
Chapter Seven focuses on how business is done in today’s Russia, which is not only interesting but somewhat different than the business mindset of America. Chapter Eight covers everyday greetings, which seems harmless enough, but there is also instruction on adding to those greetings various good-natured insults and swear words that are exchanged between people very familiar with each other. For example, Americans, in most cases, wouldn’t say "Good morning, you idiot!" to a good friend (or maybe you would, depending on who your friends are or how many dumb things they can manage to do in a morning...), but this sort of greeting and more is apparently not only acceptable but expected in Russia amongst friends. The nice phrases are here too, such as please (pozhalyusta), thank you (spasibo), excuse me (izvineetye), help me (pomogeetye mne!), save me (spaseetye!), I like you (Vy mne nravites’) and I like you very much (Ty mne ochen’ nravish’sya).
Chapters Nine and Ten teach words for essential body parts and offer a review of the "Three Tiers of Russian Profanity," respectively. Much of Russian swearing seems to consist of the many many many (did I say many?) unrepeatable words for parts of the human body and various functions of those parts, so knowing some of these could get you through many a drunken bar crawl or other nights of debauchery I’m sure. The most fun word I’ll mention here, because it’s such a common word in English and used even on TV, is the word "zhopa" meaning "ass." It’s fun to say (think of the "Zh" sound as in the movie title "Dr. Zhivago" - it has a sort of soft "j" sound like "Gza Gza Gabor" - and then a long "o" like in the word "soap" and it ends in "pa" like a male parent down on the farm or someplace). It's also easy to remember; should anyone cut you off in traffic, get drunk and throw up on your car, try to steal your significant other or generally behave like the back end of a donkey in any other way, you can call them a "zhopa!" Such a handy little word!
Now there have been quite differing opinions on this book... Throwing in excerpts from a couple of customer quotes on Amazon.com, some feel it has gone too far:
"The author took the worst existing in Russian language, mostly criminal jargon and represented it as an "everyday Russian". I lived for 30 years in Russia and believe me I never heard anyone talk according to Mr. Topol's book. Of course, these filthy words and expressions do exist but their usage is very limited (I would imagine mostly by prison walls and criminal world). This is a tasteless misrepresentation. Don't buy it." -- this quote is ironically from a guy named Igor in Hartford, CT.
"I had intended to buy this book at one time until I flipped through a copy of it. Much of what is in this book is just filth, plain and simple. When it comes to the realm of vulgar and obscene language, foreigners need to be even more careful than native speakers...If you're studying this book, I hope it's not because you intend to speak this way. I suppose there is some value in understanding the obscenities which you hear around you, but then again, you're likely to hear this type of language only if you regularly associate with reprobates...Just don't use this stuff to strike up a conversation with people you don't know." -- Aaron, Salt Lake City
Of course, Dermo also has its share of fans who approach it as we do, with a good sense of humor:
"This book is a great source of the raunchy lingo you need to know but that your proper Russian friends won't teach you. And I do mean the real raunchy slang, the kind of cursing an American would get arrested for saying in public. Thanks to this little book, I can appreciate the extremely colorful and descriptive obscenities Russians, even total strangers to each other, occasionally exchange on the street. The book is cleverly written with ribald poems and vulgar little cartoons. My only complaint is that the captions are written in annoying phonetic English transcription rather than Cyrillic." -- Chapulina R., no city given.
"I am an intermediate Russian speaker. I found this book extremely useful in breaking the ice with my Russian-speaking friends and business contacts. It got me to a level of friendship that I could not have achieved speaking only "proper" Russian. It was also a hoot to read for pure entertainment's sake with other Americans. I definitely recommend it." -- (no name given)
"Although this book is not for the faint of heart, it is a wonderful guide to some of vulgarities in which Russians find so much joy and expressiveness." -- (no name given)
Well, there you have it, vulgarities AND joy and expressiveness, all in one neat little package! Who could ask for more? So to sum up, if you have an interest in learning real Russian words and phrases, or understanding groups of Russian friends in seedy bars and other places where people routinely swear and call each other vile names, or just want a laugh to forget your troubles, along with something interesting to read, go out and buy this book, or order it online. It’s small but full of useful information and language tips. Not that you would really call anyone a "blyad’" or a "zhopa" or any of the other insults in this book…oh no, not YOU. That would not be verrry nice. But maybe, just maybe, if you feel the need for an insult arise and you don’t want to be too rude in English, you could fling out something nasty in Russian, thereby not only insulting but confusing the other person, unless of course he or she is Russian, understands Russian and/or also owns a copy of Dermo!
And here’s one last Russian phrase that might come in handy for the romantic Autumn months and long cold Winter ahead, or if you get inspired with your honey at any of the Red Elvises concerts coming up later this month and in October: Ya tebya lyublyu! Meaning? "I love you."
DERMO! was written by Edward Topol and translated by Laura E. Wolfson, with illustrations by Kim Wilson Brandt. It was published in 1997 in paperback by Plume, a part of Penguin Books. All book review quotes by readers quoted on here came from Amazon and I hope they will eventually forgive me for including them. I thought some of them were funny, what can I say?